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Informed Aging
A podcast about health, help, and hard decisions for older adults.
Informed Aging
Episode 100: A Simpler, Calmer Holiday Season
In this episode of Informed Aging, Robin welcomes back Beth Davalos of Sunshine Senior Counseling to explore how caregivers and families can create a calmer, more meaningful holiday season. Beth shares practical tips for simplifying expectations, setting gentle boundaries, supporting loved ones living with illness, and giving yourself permission to rest. If the holidays feel heavy or overwhelming, this conversation offers compassionate guidance and realistic tools to bring more peace into the season.
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[00:00:04] Robin Rountree: Welcome to Informed Aging, a podcast about health help and hard decisions for older adults. I'm Robin Rountree a former family caregiver. I've worked in the home care industry and now work for the Alzheimer's and Dementia Resource Center. The thoughts and opinions expressed belong to me and my guest, not our wonderful employers and sponsors.
[00:00:27] Before making any significant changes in your life or your person's life,
[00:00:31] please consult your own experts. Today, a return guest, Beth Davalos with Sunshine Senior Counseling will be here to talk about navigating holiday stress for everybody, but some specific examples as well. We will be back right after this.
[00:00:50]
[00:02:00] Robin Rountree: And we are back with Beth Davalos of Sunshine Senior Counseling. She has been on our number one most downloaded podcast, dignity and Dementia.
[00:02:11] Great episode. Look that up. Um, but welcome back.
[00:02:14] Beth Davaols: Thank you so much. It's wonderful to be here, Robin.
[00:02:17] Robin Rountree: Thanks. Let's go over what all these letters mean after your name.
[00:02:21] Beth Davaols: Well, basically all those letters just mean that I am a social worker. I'm licensed, I'm a clinical therapist, and I'm just, I just care and I'm here to support, um, our community each other, and that's the most important thing.
[00:02:35] Robin Rountree: Okay. The holidays. I found some research, uh, Americans Psychological Association found that about 90% of us say there is some extra stress around the holidays. So what's going on?
[00:02:50] And can you give us some quick tips to deal with that?
[00:02:53] Beth Davaols: Sure. I mean, there is a lot of stress. I mean, we're so excited to see family and we get excited as a, [00:03:00] as the months roll around and all of a sudden it's like, oh my goodness, I'm so busy and I have so much to do. And then start thinking about the finances and the coordination and the time and it gets, it does get very overwhelming
[00:03:14] Robin Rountree: because life just
[00:03:15] in April can be stressful enough. Life is
[00:03:19] Beth Davaols: stressful
[00:03:19] Robin Rountree: right now. In general. It is. It really is. But throw in these holidays and the expectations, I think that's where I tripped myself up that it's supposed to look like this, but it doesn't have to. Right?
[00:03:34] Beth Davaols: Right. We are so caught up with what society thinks and the social media, but
[00:03:40] I think that we have to let go of those, what we think it should look like and just go back to like we're just here to love and to spend time with family and to share these special moments.
[00:03:51] And I really would like to begin this podcast with just going to a place of compassion.
[00:03:58] Robin Rountree: Mm.
[00:03:59] Beth Davaols: We really, it's [00:04:00] compassion for ourselves and understanding and realizing that if we can start there, then it's gonna be 10 times less stressful. And so this is like the basis for peace.
[00:04:16] Robin Rountree: Okay. Bring it on.
[00:04:17] Beth Davaols: Bring it on.
[00:04:18] This basically means giving yourself grace and understanding and love like you the way you wanna talk to someone you love and care about, and that's gonna be you. You have to start with knowing that you're going to do your very best and you're gonna come from a good heart and things are not going to go well.
[00:04:36] And just noticing being in the moment and trusting that people really just want to feel cared for and loved and connected, and we get stuck with these minutia. So it's
[00:04:54] noticing the comments that we are saying in our head, like, oh my gosh, I can't do this. I'm [00:05:00] a failure. And being much kinder and saying, I, I'm gonna do the best I can and look what I just did, and noticing the, the positive things you're accomplishing. The other thing is just remembering that we're all human and we all struggle with this stuff.
[00:05:15] Like we wake up and everyone has a to-do list and that we're not alone in this and people are understanding and it's okay. And to, um, recognize your own struggle with that and just notice it and not to judge it. Not to judge that you are upset about something, not to judge that you are stressed, not to judge that it wasn't perfect.
[00:05:37] And just be like, okay, there it is , but that does not define who you are.
[00:05:43] Robin Rountree: I like that. So even if you burn the Turkey, that doesn't mean you're a failure your entire life. Something bad just happened and you're all gonna laugh about it in two months or two minutes.
[00:05:55] Beth Davaols: Right. You're gonna,
[00:05:56] and , it doesn't really matter. I mean, mashed potatoes are [00:06:00] delicious. Right,
[00:06:00] Robin Rountree: right, right. More mashed potatoes on my plate. Yeah.
[00:06:03] Beth Davaols: And it's, it's just like how big a problem is this? Is it little. Or big problem. And these things are a little, we know what big problems are, right?
[00:06:12] And those are little problems. It's about just really appreciating what, what is happening, what we do have. Yeah, which is each other, like, that's what it comes down to. Like when we think about all the things that we're doing, it's to make people happy. It's like you, everyone has a good intention. It's like we just wanna be together and laugh and smile and be in these moments.
[00:06:33] When you think back to your last year's holiday, you're not thinking. And that that plate full of this green beans and you're not thinking about those things, right? You think about who was there and how wonderful it was, and I wonder what they're doing now and the connections.
[00:06:49] Robin Rountree: Yeah. You don't remember like every present you were given.
[00:06:53] It was the more, the warm, fuzzy feelings from seeing the people you love.
[00:06:58] Beth Davaols: Exactly.
[00:06:59] Robin Rountree: All [00:07:00] right. I need you in my head nonstop. 'cause that normal voice that lives there is not as smart. So we're gonna talk about, um, three different specific categories of people in relation to the holidays. So first we're gonna start with caregivers already stressful job, right?
[00:07:21] But with the holidays, what are some tips for our caregivers?
[00:07:26] Beth Davaols: So I think that with the caregivers, we really need to begin with permission to simplify and to breathe through it.
[00:07:35] And simplification is really what we're gonna be talking about here.
[00:07:39] Robin Rountree: Okay.
[00:07:40] Beth Davaols: So. We do best when we know the direction we're going. Just kind of making a schedule for ourselves. Like just really making a menu of not just a food, of just the things that we wanna accomplish.
[00:07:52] And then we look at this and we say, well, what's necessary? What's not necessary? And if it's necessary, well, why is that necessary? Just kind of [00:08:00] really stepping back and seeing how much value it is and then the, the cost factor and then to be open to asking for help.
[00:08:11] Robin Rountree: There's a tricky one,
[00:08:14] Beth Davaols: There's, a Pablo Picasso painting called Flowers in hand.
[00:08:19] It Looks like a, a bouquet of flowers with two people holding hands. Okay. And one person's, giving the flowers to someone else and the other person's receiving it. And if I was to show that painting to you and ask you. Well, who's giving it and who's receiving it?
[00:08:33] You really can't tell because when you give, you receive and when you receive, you give. So we have to keep in mind that when we ask for help, that person, you're giving someone else the opportunity to be of support and to feel good about participating in helping too. I love that. Yeah. So that gives
[00:08:53] other people purpose and it's such a good feeling to help others and then also to be able to [00:09:00] ask. You are not gonna ask someone to, if they're not a chef, they don't cook normally, you're not gonna ask them to make the Turkey.
[00:09:07] But maybe they're an artist and maybe they could be the one that brings some simple crafts or ask them if they wanna create their own art project.
[00:09:14] But we can reach out to people when we think about what they like to do and ask them for help. Maybe it's gonna be some children, they're gonna set the table for you.
[00:09:24] So really thinking, how can I divide this up so that we work as a family and friends and do this together and dividing up these tasks, uh, which is so helpful, as we all know, and that is what the holidays are about, doing things together.
[00:09:42] Robin Rountree: I had to learn, I had to like teach myself to be ready for the phrase, is there anything I can do? And take that seriously.
[00:09:53] Beth Davaols: Mm.
[00:09:54] Robin Rountree: Because somebody's gonna ask it.
[00:09:56] Beth Davaols: Right?
[00:09:57] Robin Rountree: And they're probably asking 'cause they wanna feel helpful. [00:10:00]
[00:10:00] Beth Davaols: Right. So
[00:10:00] Robin Rountree: you gotta, you gotta be ready.
[00:10:03] Beth Davaols: Yeah. And then you give them a task. They're like, oh yes.
[00:10:05] Thank you so much. I gotta, I'll take the napkins, I'll fold them up. Then you're connected in the kitchen, which is really nice too. Like that's another great moment that you're talking to who, you know, this family member that you haven't seen in a while, and you can just chit chat.
[00:10:19] Or maybe they're gonna go in the other room and they're gonna just, you know, have some quiet time and do something, which is also a nice thing to do. You know, we need, we all need a little break, which leads up to the next piece Yes. About breaks.
[00:10:34] Robin Rountree: Yes.
[00:10:36] Beth Davaols: , And really thinking about this, when you have family that's coming to your house, whether it's for the afternoon or for days. Building into your schedule times just to stop tea time or just a calming break. But it's really important to slow down and just stop.
[00:10:56] You know, 15, 20 minutes is not going [00:11:00] to change the day, but it's going to give you a moment to just be present.
[00:11:05] Robin Rountree: So if you've got family staying with you, i've stayed with some family and they're like, you know, it's our nap time. I don't get mad.
[00:11:11] Or just, you know, it's gonna be, do whatever you need to do for the next hour and then we're all gonna gather together at three o'clock. So have maybe some language prepared.
[00:11:21] Beth Davaols: Sure. I mean, sometimes that's really helpful to say. You know, we're used to just resting in the afternoon around two or three just wanted to give you the heads up in case you wanted to, you know, just. Plan that ahead.
[00:11:34] Maybe there's a place in the neighborhood that you wanted to go visit but setting people up ahead of time and letting them know what your boundaries are, gentle boundaries is really helpful. You're letting them know in advance, so it's not a surprise. And if they forget, you just say, oh, remember we talked about that? Yeah. Yeah. And thank you so much.
[00:11:54] Robin Rountree: And just having that big smile on your face and you know, gentle boundaries,
[00:11:59] Beth Davaols: [00:12:00] gentle loving boundaries.
[00:12:01] Robin Rountree: And you can always practice those in the mirror, right beforehand.
[00:12:04] Beth Davaols: You can. It's good to practice them all year.
[00:12:07] People, you know, people do like boundaries, honestly 'cause they know where they stand. They know the rules. They don't, they don't feel guilty. They understand exactly their expectations. So there is a, a big comfort in boundaries.
[00:12:22] Robin Rountree: Okay. Let's talk now instead of the caregiver moving on to a person living with an illness during the holidays. You may get a lot of people going, oh, I can finally reach out to this person, but you don't have the energy for all of that interaction.
[00:12:41] That's kind of what comes to my mind.
[00:12:44] Beth Davaols: Yeah. So I think that once again, letting them know, Hey, just want you to let you know what's going on with dad. And, there's some changes going on. He gets tired more easily, he needs to rest more frequently. And just kind of giving people a little [00:13:00] bit,
[00:13:00] understanding of what's occurring. You, you wanna be protective of your person, the person that's not healthy, and really help them stick to the routines that we're already in place and so that they're gonna function much better as well. And respect that.
[00:13:17] So once again, you're providing that predictable environment for your loved one that's not feeling well or that's ill, and also your guests already know that that's in place because they're like, they're trying to navigate it as well.
[00:13:31] They don't know how to respond or what to do. So that is, that's really helpful.
[00:13:36] Robin Rountree: Those routines, especially, you know, in our world with dementia, keeping those routines is so important.
[00:13:42] Beth Davaols: It's, it's very important.
[00:13:44] Having those conversations are gonna be a little harder, you know, your loved one may ask questions over, you know, several times and whether it's a grandchild or a cousin that doesn't quite understand, you can just gently remind them [00:14:00] again. And the more comfortable that you are with that, the more comfortable they are. They just have to understand what's going on.
[00:14:10] Robin Rountree: Right, because they'll be looking to you. What do
[00:14:13] Beth Davaols: I do? What do I say? Yeah. How do I respond? Yeah. And so they are looking at, at you for an understanding.
[00:14:21] Robin Rountree: Yeah. Or say if you could drop by around 10, dad has pretty good energy there, but he's gonna be asleep at three o'clock.
[00:14:28] Beth Davaols: Exactly. Because you know his schedule. Yeah. Do your normal routine like you are, you have friends and family coming over, but your priority is taking care of yourself and your loved one first yourself, so that you can take care of others, but you don't have to sacrifice
[00:14:46] yourself for this. This is really about just having a, a loving time with family. And it is what it is. And so you're inviting them into the world and sometimes they're gonna see, wow, this is a lot different than I thought. [00:15:00] And this is hard to see.
[00:15:00] And it is hard.
[00:15:02] Robin Rountree: Yeah.
[00:15:03] Beth Davaols: And these are real feelings and you know, but they're gonna experience that with you. And it doesn't make it bad. It just is what it is. And let them know how much you appreciate them being there.
[00:15:16] So you know, let's go into food. Let's talk about food for a minute, okay?
[00:15:18] Because food's a big deal, right? Yes. Like you have to prepare all these foods. And so thinking about this menu does not have to look like the menu that your mother had or you had for the past 30 years. And everyone loves that. You make this da, da, da and it's ok If you don't make it again, like maybe you'll just make one of the special dishes.
[00:15:39] Perfect. You know, sometimes you can ask someone else to help you. And there's, there's plenty of restaurants also that can help with some of these more complex things
[00:15:48] So there's so many resources out there today that your food can be delivered. You can get plastic plates, you can have other people help cook.
[00:15:58] Um, you can simplify the [00:16:00] menu. Just really thinking about is this menu going to stress me out and, and what can I do differently? Yeah.
[00:16:07] Robin Rountree: And we are right now writing your excuse slip to tell that voice in your head that says, no, I have to do it the same way I've done it for 30 years. You don't,
[00:16:16] Beth Davaols: you don't, you, you are where you are, and this is, you have to really respect what you can handle at this moment.
[00:16:24] And if you're listening to this, we already know you're tired. We already know you're stressed, and so you're already looking for the answers. This are the ideas to adopt. Like some of these you gotta write down. I'm going to ask for help. I'm going to order something from Publix this year. I'm going to really commit to the schedule and keeping things calmer in the home.
[00:16:46] I'm going to let people know that we do need to rest between, you know. Four and five, whatever it might be, right? Like make some commitments and move forward with that.
[00:16:59] Robin Rountree: Some [00:17:00] great advice, Beth. Now let's think holidays and travel. Mm. Holy moly. Help us.
[00:17:10] Beth Davaols: Yeah. Travel. Okay. So we really want to think about the big picture, like travel always takes longer and. You wanna build an extra time,
[00:17:21] Robin Rountree: okay?
[00:17:22] Beth Davaols: And we wanna make sure that you have all the equipment you need, calling the airport ahead of time, making sure that you have chairs if you need it. Bringing the cane, you know, bringing whatever you need. Not saying, oh, I don't need this, you know, or I feel uncomfortable. No, you need to take care of yourself, right?
[00:17:39] Planning the itinerary , having to make sure that you have your comfort needs packed. Yes. You know, simplifying your wardrobe and including the extra blankets that you need or the whatever, that extra snack like we're looking at comfort.
[00:17:58] Self care. [00:18:00] That's what we need to be packing. Things to help you, when you're not in your own space and you wanna make it feel as familiar as you can for your loved one.
[00:18:10] Robin Rountree: And so many things can go wrong. Yeah.
[00:18:14] Beth Davaols: It
[00:18:14] Robin Rountree: will, it will.
[00:18:16] Beth Davaols: I mean, and, and it is what it is. And, and just being in that moment and say, we're gonna figure this out. And asking for help and letting people know where you're at, what you need. Just feeling organized with it and if you feel like it's too much, it's okay not to travel this year. Hmm. There's something wonderful called Zoom. Yes. And you can have little parties on Zoom as well. And it's lovely and sometimes it is too much to travel and to give yourself permission that just sometimes you can't make it.
[00:18:54] But you can still connect with family in other ways.
[00:18:57] Robin Rountree: I like that. So when you're making [00:19:00] that call to say it's just too much. For me and my person, or just for me to come this year. But let's meet on Zoom at 10:00 AM and I'm gonna have some holiday trivia and we're gonna have some games.
[00:19:16] Beth Davaols: Yeah, I mean, I, my family, we get together, um, for all our holidays 'cause I have family across the United States as well as people traveling.
[00:19:25] And matter of fact, we had a little party last night.
[00:19:29] Robin Rountree: Hmm.
[00:19:30] Beth Davaols: And it's, it's wonderful. We all like sit and talk and we just, how see how everyone is and it's a beautiful connection.
[00:19:36] . Right. I mean, it's amazing. It's amazing how much you can connect with family on Zoom and it, and it's okay not to travel.
[00:19:43] I really respect your body.
[00:19:46] Robin Rountree: There's another permission slip we're signing for you.
[00:19:49] Beth Davaols: Exactly. And people don't have to understand for it to be okay.
[00:19:57] Robin Rountree: Let's say that one more time.
[00:19:59] Beth Davaols: Yes. [00:20:00] People don't have to understand. Agree. Get it. For it to be okay for you to say, I just can't do it this year, and I love you.
[00:20:09] But you know what? We really need to just stay home. It's been a lot and that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. And they're not gonna stop loving you. And they Yes. They're gonna be disappointed. Of course. Of
[00:20:20] Robin Rountree: course.
[00:20:21] Beth Davaols: They wanna see you, but, you know, we can just show love and connection in other ways.
[00:20:28] And other piece is the financial piece, you know, and I, everything's so costly. Mm. And the presents and all that. We don't have to get that expensive gift. We can do things, we can connect in other ways.
[00:20:39] We can make beautiful cards, we can write poetry, we can sing a song, we can, you know, write a little song, but we don't have to spend a lot of money, to make that relationship solid. You
[00:20:51] Robin Rountree: know Right. Don't listen to the commercials.
[00:20:54] Beth Davaols: Oh, no, we don't have to listen to the commercials or the pressure out there.
[00:20:58] And when they ask you, what would [00:21:00] you like, you know, I just want time with you.
[00:21:03] Like, that is the most precious thing in the world.
[00:21:06] Robin Rountree: Indeed, Beth, you always have such great advice for all of us. I wanna make sure people listening know how to connect with you.
[00:21:16] Beth Davaols: Um, sure., I'm the owner of Sunshine Senior Counseling, and we provide counseling services throughout the state of Florida.
[00:21:24] We do telehealth and in-home. All of our clinicians specialize with older adults, and we are happy to provide services. Um, you just give us a call. We, you can visit our website@sunshineseniorcounseling.com, or our phone number is four oh seven. 4 0 1 90 20.
[00:21:44] Robin Rountree: All of that information will be in the show notes.
[00:21:46] Beth Davaols: Yes. And, um, I do wanna just stop for one moment before we stop today. Yeah. Um, it's, I just wanted to give like, just a loving kindness message. And I just would like for y'all just to stop for just a [00:22:00] moment and close your eyes. And just breathe slowly and repeat the following statements.
[00:22:10] May I be calm this holiday. May I find moments of rest and joy. May I know I am enough, even without doing everything, may I feel supported and cared for too. May my loved one feel peace and comfort and may my family find joy and simplicity.
[00:22:37] Robin Rountree: That's amazing.
[00:22:39] Beth Davaols: Wishing everyone a very happy, stress-free holiday, and if you can just take one, two, or three of these ideas, I think it will be very helpful.
[00:22:49] Robin Rountree: Thank you so much, Beth.
[00:22:51] Beth Davaols: You're welcome.
[00:22:52] Robin Rountree: Please make sure to subscribe to our podcast Informed Aging and tell your family and friends about us. If you'd like to support the work that we [00:23:00] do at the Alzheimer's and Dementia Resource Center, please go to adrc cares.org/. Donate. You can find us at facebook.com/informed Aging.
[00:23:11] Today's episode was recorded at ARC's podcast Studio. That's it for now. We are looking forward to our next visit.